"Two nails holding the walls together. One sail to take me around the world."
I need to blog something.
I don't know what yet.
So here goes.
I'm so emotional tonight... More so than usual. Which, if you know me, is saying a lot. I've been thinking about a lot of things. Like the past, and the future, and myself. Too much introspection is bad, so they say. I don't know who "they" is, but I'm sure someone has said it. And I'm also sure that it's true, because these past few weeks I have been driving myself crazy with introspection. Doubting. Calm. Unbelief. Frantic. Trusting. Wishing, wanting, waiting. Waiting on the world to change.
It's all so big, I think to myself.
This ol' world.
It's all so big.
Too big.
When I watch the news and hear about all the problems that ravage our world... our country... our state... our city. It's just all too big. Ya know? What could I possibly do? What in the Carl Edwards blue blazes could I possibly do to help any of the problems that surround me?
So I'll just retreat, I think to myself.
I'll just take care of my own things, worry about my own problems, and leave everyone else to worry about theirs.
Because in the end,
what can I ever really do to help?
Some things that have contributed to this feeling:
--the sob stories of American Idol contestants
--being isolated
--watching the speeches of the Presidential candidates
--hearing of unthinkable things happening to acquaintances and their families
--facebook stalking
--seeing sadness in my family
--looking through pictures from my trip to Nepal
--wishing I was closer to the people I used to know
--seeing this picture:
http://multiply.com/mu/genedale/image/2/photos/12/600x600/5/DefineNecessity.jpg?et=Ht7epRZOVMCS0UQO7paZlw&nmid=264203739
--watching Les Miserables
And just living my life. Because my life is so great. And yet I'm not satisfied. I'm not satisfied when I'm laying around and doing nothing and being lazy and taking care of myself and watching TV and reading and playing Words with Friends and chilling on Facebook for days on end.
What is wrong with me?
I'm an American.
This is supposed to make me fat and happy.
And I won't lie, it does, for a while.
But after days of this... It doesn't make me happy anymore.
So I decided to do some spying on myself to find out what does satisfy me.
When I'm completely exhausted but I ski down three more hills with a middle schooler anyway, I'm satisfied.
When I've spent my Wednesday night at youth group, building relationships, I'm satisfied.
When I'm in Nepal laying out God's heart to someone who's never heard it before, I may not be comfortable, but I'm satisfied.
When I'm letting someone cry on my shoulder, I'm satisfied.
When I'm praying for someone else, I'm satisfied.
When I do the dishes just because, I'm satisfied.
When I'm encouraging someone else, I'm satisfied.
When I'm loving on my sisters, I'm satisfied.
When I'm learning more about God, I'm satisfied.
When I let my parents know that they're important to me, I'm satisfied.
When I call my grandparents just to talk, I'm satisfied.
Basically what I've learned is that what makes me happy, what satisfies me, what brings me joy is doing things for other people. Making an impact, or at least trying. Saying the hard thing, doing the hard thing, seizing opportunities. Doing what's right. This is what my life is about, what my life should be about anyway.
The thing is, when I don't have time to do things for myself, I make it a big thing. "I never have any time for myself," I whine. "I just want a lazy day for once," I whine. And now that I've been full of these things I've realized that I actually don't want that. Maybe for one day I want it. But not as a lifestyle. My lifestyle needs to be helping others. Caring for others. Putting their needs above my own.
Maybe this should have been divided into two blog posts. Because I feel like I'm talking about two subjects. But oh well, one leads to the other.
Since I'm called by God to put others before myself, and since that's what fulfills me anyway, that's what I should do, right? Right. But then we come to the problem I was talking about earlier-- everything is just too big. There's so many, many problems. How can I ever even begin to tackle any one of them, much less all of them?
This issue has been somewhat resolved with some help from my mom. She's good at that.
As I was babysitting a few days ago I was talking to the mother. She began remarking about tips that my mother has given her on parenting and the great encouragement my mom has been to her. "I doubt she even knows I remember those things she said," she told me. "But I hope that I can be as good of a mom as she is." My mom had an impact on this lady for good, without even really trying. Just by the way she lives her life and the way she cares about others. My mom's circle of influence goes way beyond the people she intentionally and consistently seeks out to influence. That's what I want to be like. I want my life to have an impact on anyone who comes in contact with me. It's encouraging to me to see that, because it makes me think. Maybe people are being influenced by me even when I feel like they're not. Even when I feel discouraged and neglected, maybe God can still use me to influence people I don't even realize I'm influencing.
See, there she goes again. My mom is influencing me by influencing someone else, and she doesn't even know it.
She also reminded me today that changing your life happens one step at a time. One little thing after another. And getting discouraged is not really an option when you realize that.
Also, God has reminded me of something He taught me while I was serving in Nepal.
I don't have to do this by myself.
The Body of Christ is a team, and we work together. When we are united in Christ, He can use all of us more together more than He could use me by myself. That's one reason I'm so thankful for Union, because there God has brought me to more like-minded people than I've even known existed. There are people in Jefferson City to team up with, of course, but at Union it's like the very atmosphere is charged with godly encouragement and action. I don't have to take the world's problems on my shoulders. Not only do I not have to, I shouldn't. God has already done that, and He doesn't expect me to take it all on myself. He expects me to use what He's given me to glorify Him. To love him and my neighbor.
And that's what I'm going to focus on from here on out. Even though I'm an emotional wreck, and I'm probably good for nothing. I'll give what I can to the One who's freed me from myself... In more ways than one.
Vanessa ((
I need to blog something.
I don't know what yet.
So here goes.
I'm so emotional tonight... More so than usual. Which, if you know me, is saying a lot. I've been thinking about a lot of things. Like the past, and the future, and myself. Too much introspection is bad, so they say. I don't know who "they" is, but I'm sure someone has said it. And I'm also sure that it's true, because these past few weeks I have been driving myself crazy with introspection. Doubting. Calm. Unbelief. Frantic. Trusting. Wishing, wanting, waiting. Waiting on the world to change.
It's all so big, I think to myself.
This ol' world.
It's all so big.
Too big.
When I watch the news and hear about all the problems that ravage our world... our country... our state... our city. It's just all too big. Ya know? What could I possibly do? What in the Carl Edwards blue blazes could I possibly do to help any of the problems that surround me?
So I'll just retreat, I think to myself.
I'll just take care of my own things, worry about my own problems, and leave everyone else to worry about theirs.
Because in the end,
what can I ever really do to help?
Some things that have contributed to this feeling:
--the sob stories of American Idol contestants
--being isolated
--watching the speeches of the Presidential candidates
--hearing of unthinkable things happening to acquaintances and their families
--facebook stalking
--seeing sadness in my family
--looking through pictures from my trip to Nepal
--wishing I was closer to the people I used to know
--seeing this picture:
http://multiply.com/mu/genedale/image/2/photos/12/600x600/5/DefineNecessity.jpg?et=Ht7epRZOVMCS0UQO7paZlw&nmid=264203739
--watching Les Miserables
And just living my life. Because my life is so great. And yet I'm not satisfied. I'm not satisfied when I'm laying around and doing nothing and being lazy and taking care of myself and watching TV and reading and playing Words with Friends and chilling on Facebook for days on end.
What is wrong with me?
I'm an American.
This is supposed to make me fat and happy.
And I won't lie, it does, for a while.
But after days of this... It doesn't make me happy anymore.
So I decided to do some spying on myself to find out what does satisfy me.
When I'm completely exhausted but I ski down three more hills with a middle schooler anyway, I'm satisfied.
When I've spent my Wednesday night at youth group, building relationships, I'm satisfied.
When I'm in Nepal laying out God's heart to someone who's never heard it before, I may not be comfortable, but I'm satisfied.
When I'm letting someone cry on my shoulder, I'm satisfied.
When I'm praying for someone else, I'm satisfied.
When I do the dishes just because, I'm satisfied.
When I'm encouraging someone else, I'm satisfied.
When I'm loving on my sisters, I'm satisfied.
When I'm learning more about God, I'm satisfied.
When I let my parents know that they're important to me, I'm satisfied.
When I call my grandparents just to talk, I'm satisfied.
Basically what I've learned is that what makes me happy, what satisfies me, what brings me joy is doing things for other people. Making an impact, or at least trying. Saying the hard thing, doing the hard thing, seizing opportunities. Doing what's right. This is what my life is about, what my life should be about anyway.
The thing is, when I don't have time to do things for myself, I make it a big thing. "I never have any time for myself," I whine. "I just want a lazy day for once," I whine. And now that I've been full of these things I've realized that I actually don't want that. Maybe for one day I want it. But not as a lifestyle. My lifestyle needs to be helping others. Caring for others. Putting their needs above my own.
Maybe this should have been divided into two blog posts. Because I feel like I'm talking about two subjects. But oh well, one leads to the other.
Since I'm called by God to put others before myself, and since that's what fulfills me anyway, that's what I should do, right? Right. But then we come to the problem I was talking about earlier-- everything is just too big. There's so many, many problems. How can I ever even begin to tackle any one of them, much less all of them?
This issue has been somewhat resolved with some help from my mom. She's good at that.
As I was babysitting a few days ago I was talking to the mother. She began remarking about tips that my mother has given her on parenting and the great encouragement my mom has been to her. "I doubt she even knows I remember those things she said," she told me. "But I hope that I can be as good of a mom as she is." My mom had an impact on this lady for good, without even really trying. Just by the way she lives her life and the way she cares about others. My mom's circle of influence goes way beyond the people she intentionally and consistently seeks out to influence. That's what I want to be like. I want my life to have an impact on anyone who comes in contact with me. It's encouraging to me to see that, because it makes me think. Maybe people are being influenced by me even when I feel like they're not. Even when I feel discouraged and neglected, maybe God can still use me to influence people I don't even realize I'm influencing.
See, there she goes again. My mom is influencing me by influencing someone else, and she doesn't even know it.
She also reminded me today that changing your life happens one step at a time. One little thing after another. And getting discouraged is not really an option when you realize that.
Also, God has reminded me of something He taught me while I was serving in Nepal.
I don't have to do this by myself.
The Body of Christ is a team, and we work together. When we are united in Christ, He can use all of us more together more than He could use me by myself. That's one reason I'm so thankful for Union, because there God has brought me to more like-minded people than I've even known existed. There are people in Jefferson City to team up with, of course, but at Union it's like the very atmosphere is charged with godly encouragement and action. I don't have to take the world's problems on my shoulders. Not only do I not have to, I shouldn't. God has already done that, and He doesn't expect me to take it all on myself. He expects me to use what He's given me to glorify Him. To love him and my neighbor.
And that's what I'm going to focus on from here on out. Even though I'm an emotional wreck, and I'm probably good for nothing. I'll give what I can to the One who's freed me from myself... In more ways than one.
Vanessa ((
No comments:
Post a Comment