I May As Well Ditch My Dismay (Bombs Away).

"It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes."

This feeling of caring is more than I've ever known.
It's not in loud proclamations of passion,
or in sweeping demonstrations of knighthood,
but the concern in the words,
in his voice.

This feeling of security is more than I've ever known.
He doesn't have to promise me over and over that he'll stay.
He just will.
It couldn't be any other way.

Sometimes I just picture it in my mind--
us.
And my stomach turns and knots and waves crash and birds caw and everything is spinning and I'm safe.

How can I explain when I don't even understand?
Although I have no words I can't keep silent.
The rooftops and I have become recently well-acquainted..

There are some times, though,
when I can't even whisper it,
much less shout,
because it's all too rich inside me.
I don't want to share these feelings because they're just for me,
and even whispering his name to the darkness is too personal.
So I keep him inside,
and hold on to every moment.
Every laugh.
Every word said,
just for me.
And I'm smiling.

Fading Tail Lights.

"You can't be too careful anymore."

Everything is my fault.
I am to blame.
I can't be enough of a friend.
I can't pray enough for you.
I can't give enough of myself to you.
I can't give you good enough advice.
I can't try hard enough.
I can't chase after you fast enough or far enough.
I can't show God through my life enough to make you want to stay.
And it's all my fault.

I know you best.
Inside and out.
I trusted you the most.
And the blame is mine.

If I had done enough for you,
given enough to you,
shown enough in me,
you wouldn't be here, now.
Well,
you wouldn't be there, now.
Instead of here.
Instead of where you belong.

What more can I do?
What more can I say?
I have nothing left to give.
I have nothing left to give to you.
I have no more life to give to you.

But apparently, I do.
Because it's still hurting.
Will it always hurt like this?
Even if you come back?

Sometimes the wounds are just too deep.
Are these?
Will I even get the chance to find that out?

I don't know what to do anymore.

I have nothing left to give.

Swan Dive Down.

"The sun hung from a string, looking down on the world as it warms over everything."

Standing on the edge of the cliff,
I panic.
Trembling,
I can't force myself to look down.
Who knows what awaits?
I feel the dirt underneath my
bare feet,
the sky stretching above my
winded hair,
the sun pricking my
skin with its warmth,
and then
a presence,
beside me.
Almost close enough,
but not quite.
Not yet.
Closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and
then we suddenly

jump

together.

Falling
forever
and
an
instant,

we land

together.
No going back now,
and I would never
want to.

Safe, secure, and still a little scary,
this road stretches into the horizon.
And I can't see its end.

I would never
want to.

Ninety-Nine Lives.

"Is this the line between Heaven and Hell? Is this the line where I get up and walk out?"

Watch the moon wax and wane.
Feel me do the same.
Strength?
No.

Rings echo
in an empty house.
A short beep,
a silence,
no message.

It was a dream and
I awake and
I am alone.

Torn apart by choices and by fate.

We opened each other
and
lived each other
and
breathed each other
and
knew each other
and
saw each other
and
loved.

Rings echo
in an empty house.
A short beep,
a silence,
no message.

Pieces missing from my puzzle,
and all I can do is
cry and try to
find them.
99 sheep make for sleepless nights
and held breath.

Rings echo
in my empty heart.
A short beep,
a silence,
no one there
at all.


Vanessa.