And it Was All Just a Dream.

"Some things never change. Some things never quit changing. The combination of those is what makes life. Our reactions to those is what makes us."

Memories are odd.

Its like I close my eyes and I can still smell that unidentifiable yet highly recognizable scent of the mix of sweat and sweet deodorant, and its so real... And yet I open my eyes and its not. I was just remembering.

Memories can take us where we've been before, but not really. That's why I think the ability to remember is one of the most dangerous gifts that humans possess. Because sometimes we don't like where we are, and we don't think we can change where we're going. So we just retreat to our memories, and relive and relive and relive... All the while knowing in the back of our minds, in a hidden place, that its not real, and it can't last.

Living in memories is like laying down on the beach, right near the top of the waterline. The waves slide up under you, and it feels really nice; it feels comforting; it feels like letting go. Then after a while, you realize that the memory water, what you deemed to be your friend, has been slowly eroding the sand of reality out from under you. And you are stuck in a you-shaped hole. And the water is getting deeper. And you can't get out.

Many different situations can trigger memories. Sometimes its a phrase that someone speaks, and I've heard someone else say that phrase before. Instantly, I'm transported back to that place. Sometimes its the comforting smell of my basement, or the rush of pina colada air freshener from my truck, or the fragile scent of a moonlit night. All of these things can take me somewhere that no car ever could. Sometimes memories can be brought to life by sounds... A certain song. Sometimes, when I listen to certain songs, if I close my eyes I can just see the situation in which it has been sung before. And I smile, because just for a second my mind is actually fooled into believing that I'm there again.

Sometimes memories make your dreams broken. Sometimes they make your dreams stronger. Its just hard to tell which when you feel like your memories are a black hole that beckons, ever so invitingly, for you to close your eyes and get lost in its scent of sweat and sweet deodorant. Teleportation is true, I believe. Because that scent doesn't pass by and leave me in the same place.

Maybe we'd be better off without our memories. I know, its not a possible or pragmatically sound idea. But hey. It sounds good in idealism. Because then we'd all be stuck in the present, with only a future to look forward to. Because a world without memories would be a world without falling, stares of ill-will, broken hearts, betrayal, lies, and promises that someone has broken.

But I don't know if I could live without my memories. Because a world without memories is a world without warm arms around me, kisses to my head, gentle "I love you"s, knowing smiles, and promises that were kept.

Sometimes I have days where my memories are faint, and I'm not very susceptible to the lure of the scent of sweat and sweet deodorant. Most days I don't remember much, and I live in the present. Many days are days that I can look at my past with an objective eye and tell myself that I messed up here and here, but its okay because I'm forgiven. Because I can move on. Because I can forget.

Today is not one of those days.

vanessa ((